Angelina Jolie Topless?

There. That headline ought to increase my Google ranking, and possibly my score on Blogshares. Now on to the news:

According to this week’s Star Magazine (Breaking Celebrity News First!):

Even in a robe and curlers, Angelina Jolie is drop-dead gorgeous! On Aug. 18, the mom of two got set to shoot a scene on location on Long Island, N.Y., for her latest movie, The Good Shepherd, co-starring Matt Damon.

What does that have to do with the middle ages? Read on, dear read on-er. Also from Star Magazine:

Once that wraps, she’s set to play the queen of darkness in a computer-animated adaptation of the epic poem Beowulf.

I’m confused for two reasons. 1) There’s no queen of darkness in Beowulf. The closest it’s got is Grendel’s mother, who’s more twisted hag at the bottom of a lake than queen of darkness. And 2) why would anyone want to cast Angelina Jolie in a computer-animated movie? Her number one asset is her drop-dead gorgeousness.*

If this report is accurate–and since I believe everything I read in magazines I pick up at the gym, I have to say it must be–then either I’ve been mistranslating Beowulf or misunderstanding the appeal of Ms. Jolie.

*Assets number two and three are usually found nestled snugly in a low cut dress. I suppose they could computer animate those, but that would hardly require her voice. So just like in Shark Tale, Angelina will be appearing sans-breasts: topless.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Dr. Virago

    CoolCarl– You haven’t heard of this yet? Do you know about the live-action Beowulf? Grendel gets a father and a back-story in that one. And there’s some chick named Selma played by Sarah Polley. (Selma????) And the preview has a sex scene in it (perhaps an insider’s look at Hrothgar in the women’s quarters?). I think the website is something like beowulfthemovie — Google it and post away!

    FWIW, if these movies get people to read Beowulf or take my Old English class, then more power to the crappy movies. Then these new readers and students can do the complaining about the riduculousness of the movie versions. 🙂

    PS — I’m the commenter formerly known as Tina.

  • Anne

    No, no, very clear, no prob; Ms. Jolie must be playing Grendel’s Mom. Who had Grendel when she was REALLY young, and then was abandoned by Grendel’s dad, and she’s been raising him all on her own, you know, in the murky swamp, which is all she can afford, and now he’s Gone To the Bad, BUT

    That’s ok, cause she loves him no matter what, so after he bleeds to death from having his arm ripped off by Beowulf the Hunk (touching scene, here, whilst he slowly dies, telling his mom “top o’ the world, ma!” and stuff like that), she Goes to the Dark Side and tries to kill Beowulf.

    She loses, but he falls in love with her, and that’s why, later, the dragon gets him, cause he’s not paying attention, on account of thinking about Ms. Jolie and her accoutrements.

    Don’t know where the nine nickers fit in.

  • Alethea

    There’s actually two Beowulf movies in production. tf refers to the farther-along (and much less promising) live-action. The one Angeline Jolie is involved with is being done motion-capture (as Polar Express was, only with the next generation of the technology,) and is at least a year farther behind in the production process. Neil Gaiman is involved; some details and some rumor debunking can be obtained from his blog

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