I’ve always wanted to learn to play chess well.* Now I may have a reason. Available for pre-order in July, it’s the Lego Castle Giant Chess Set:
I do not know why it’s called a Castle Giant set, since I can see no giant, nor castle giant, nor even a giant castle in the publicity stills. There is an itty-bitty castle there in the corner, big enough for maybe four Lego people to stand shoulder-to-shoulder in. At first, I thought that it was supposed to be the rook there in the corner, which would make this the most awesome chess set ever created, because then the rook would take up at least four spaces on the board and possibly crush my enemies before me when I castled with the king.** But now I’m pretty sure that’s just board decoration, and the rook is a normal sized piece.*** Maybe if Lego’s promotional department would take a hint from the makers of the Beowulf Uncut DVD, I’d know where the giant castle giant comes in.
Actually, I’m tired of making these veiled pleas for review copies of items. They don’t work. All they get you is a copy of Wealtheow that stares down at you from your bookshelf with faint disapproval, demanding to know why you haven’t reviewed it yet.
Attention, retailers and publicists of the world. Got Medieval desperately desires to sell out in exchange for your cheap medieval trinkets and your shockingly expensive medieval brick-a-brack–actually, come to think of it, the shockingly expensive would be better. Send those first. I promise not to look too shocked. The queen from the famous Lewis chess set shows the precise amount of shocked I’ll be:
*I understand in theory that the game involves lines of attack and controlling the board, but whenever I play, all I ever try to do is make it so that no piece of mine is immediately under attack. Also, I spend an inordinate amount of time between moves making horsey noises with the knights, and I refuse to use bishops at all, because their pointy heads give me the creeps.
**Also, I spend a lot of time setting up the king and the rook so that I can castle. Castling is the wheelie popping of chess, as far as I’m concerned. And don’t get me started on queenside castling…
***The inconsistent scaling of pieces in chess has always bugged me. A king’s castles should be taller than a king’s pointy-headed bishop friends.