Welcome to Hell, Sinners (Mmm… Marginalia #89)

British Library MS Harley 3999

COWER BEFORE ME, NAKED SINFUL MORTALS, FOR I AM THE MOUTH OF HELL ITSELF.  PREPARE TO BE CONSUMED, FIRST BY MY FANGED TOOTHY MAW, AND THEN FOREVER BY THE FURY OF VENGEFUL HELLFLAME IN THE DARKEST PITS OF HELL’S HELLISH FURY.  THROUGH MY GULLET LIES THE LAND OF ETERNAL TORMENT, DOMAIN OF THE PRINCE OF LIES, WHERE THERE IS NO SUCCOR, NO HOPE, NO…

…this isn’t going to work unless you cower.  You could at least have the decency to cower properly.  And if you’re going to giggle, you could at least stop pointing…

FOOLISH FOOLS! I AM THE HELLMOUTH!  LUCIFER’S WRATH SPEWS FORTH FROM MY EVERY ORIFICE!!  KNEEL BEFORE ME AND PREPARE TO BE GNASHED AND GROUND INTO…

…OK, I get it.  It’s the ears.  It’s always the ears.  Can’t you see the grinning two-horned demon nestled between them?  I’d hoped he’d… I dunno, distract a bit. Or at the least contrast!  I mean, he works on two levels, doesn’t he?  Like, when I say horned, you think the horns are going to be growing out of his head, and then you look and it’s not even that kind of…

THE HELLMOUTH SHALL NOT CHATTER WITH THE DAMNED, AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL TRULY DAMNED.  FIENDS SHALL REND YOUR FLESH IF YOU TRY TO ESCAPE THE RENDING OF MY FANGS, SO NO ONE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE UNRENT IS WHAT I’M SAYING. I MEAN, NONE CAN ESCAPE MY HORRIFIC, UNESCAPABLE…

…inescapable, right, right.  *sigh*

Look, here I am, all Hell’s black gullet, and you won’t abandon all hope even a little bit, just because I happen to have two giant baby heads nestled peacefully into my ear canals?  That’s naked prejudice, that is.  I am doing my best to ferry the souls of the unrepentant sinners into an afterlife of torment with the professionalism and dignity that the job requires, and you people won’t even try to meet me halfway. Cretins! Fine, fine, giggle all you want. But if you wake the babies, I’m breaking out the extra molars.

And if you don’t mind, could we get a little cowering along the way? It’s only polite to cower when the grinning demonic visage that foretells your eternal doom is foretelling doom and stuff. I mean really.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • bjorn

    Welcome back. Excellent post

    (I’m cowering)

  • Judy

    Horned demon. LOL.

  • http://satisfactorycomics.blogspot.com Isaac

    What a cute hellmouth!

  • arby

    Yep, welcome back. And thanks for the heads up on the move. All 20 of us who get you through Google Reader thank you. Or so I imagine. rb

    • http://www.gotmedieval.com/ Got Medieval

      You’re off by about 1700 there, arby.

  • arby

    1774 it said on the old feed, but only 20 have switched over so far, as I understand it. It also says 2.3 posts per week on the new feed, so I’m guessing the numbers are squishy. I hope it doesn’t fall back to the 0.2 indicated on the old feed. It always brightens my day, hell, my week, to see a new post, thanks. rb

  • http://blogenspiel.blogspot.com Another Damned Medievalist

    soooo … are you the Cleveland Hellmouth? because I sort of thought that might be worse than the Sunnydale one…

    • Joan

      The Sunnydale Hellmouth has a better tan.

  • http://www.charlesmryan.com Charles Ryan

    Welcome back at long last! I was beginning to despair.

  • http://www.larsdatter.com Karen

    http://www.imagesonline.bl.uk/results.asp?image=075200 strikes me as the medieval Muppet version of the mouth of Hell … 😉

  • http://catanea.tumblr.com/ Catanea

    But surely they ARE “that kind of horn” (unless you’re thinking of the naughtier kind) – that’s why they’re called “horn”s – those brass instruments. They imitate the effect you could get with the pointy bits of cows. (And BEFORE you broke the pointy end, you could drink from them.) Isn’t it? I’m confused.

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